supose i'd better get the story started!!

HOW I BECAME A SINGLE MUM!!!

Well my gorgeous baby boy was an unexpected, unplanned surprise. His birth has led me to change my perspective on my life, and my priorities have changed, leading me to write this blog as i now look back at my life as it was. I have since settled and become more directed in my ambitions, and more respectful of myself, hoping to set a good example for my boy.

So.... before this revelation and change in my attitude i was a bit lost, easy, naughty and somewhat naive. this led to me becoming pregnant after a one night stand with a yummy Burnley lad.
Now i wouldn't say i was intentionally a one night stand kind girl, but over the years , from the age of 13!!!!! i some how became deluded into the idea that if you slept with a guy within the first week of meeting them (sometimes less :S) then they might stick around because you were willing to give them what they wanted.... sex!!! well only now, 10 years later am i seeing that that definitely isn't the case!!! i really liked the guys i slept with and really hoped it would become more. but it was the wrong impression i gave, and ended up being a target as people would lie to get what they wanted, or just didn't respect me and weren't around for long :( so with that silly logic i ended up tallying up quite a few notches on the bed post, not a massive number, but more than most. must be well into the 30's now, but I've lost count.

I met the lad in a bar in Cardiff, i was fairly drunk after a staff party and was looking for somewhere to boogie with my girly mates at midnight, so we had a good couple of hours to wiggle and drink some more. having fun without a care or intention of attracting any men, we took center stage and danced our socks off. having drawn attention to ourselves then a couple of guys came over t sit with us. the lad being one of them. now he is 4 years younger (19), and once i realised this i giggled to my mates that they were just babies, (never been interested in younger guys, even if they are just a year younger) and didn't have much interest . a few boogies later i was craving a dirty cigarette, but having non of my own, i asked the lad to accompany me outside for a smoke, making jokes about his menthol cigarettes we hit it off, but i was teasing him about being younger. he retaliated by trying to convince me he could kiss as good as anyone else.... well he had to prove it.... and he was, but i told him otherwise with a cheeky grin to wind him up. once back inside i told the girls i couldn't believe i kissed a 19 year old and proceeded to get more drinks. we were all in a silly girl naughty mood, and ended up having a 3 way kiss on the dance floor with the other 2 girls!!!! and we all fell over!! we had gathered a crowd, so decided to encourage a dance off.... no one had talent so we found it hilarious. some muscly guy propositioned me so i was in a dilemma of muscly guy of funny cute lad!!! so the girls told me a fib that the lad was a player/bad boy... well instantly turned to him which is typical... always into the players!!!! it gets blurry from here but ended up heading back to his... the uni halls of residence! oh dear. remember falling over a low wall while in a passionate kiss, but don't remember how we got there!!! then in his room, stripping, checking out his tattoo, and...... ;)
later i needed the loo, so half dressed went out to find the bathroom, only to walk into someone elses room in only my pants and t-shirt!!! oops!!!
waking up in the lads single bed, all cuddled up, he was really sweet, and before long we were at it again, to the point where we couldn't any more!. i think that was when my boy was conceived. I do insist on condoms, but they often brake as they did several times on this occasion.
by about midday it was time to leave, really hung over and lost once i stepped out the front door. i borrowed his hat, which i still have today, a year later, as i was looking a bit rough!!! we exchanged numbers, and he asked if we could meet up the next day (which never happened) and i was away, with directions.

at this point in my life i had started just having one night stands, it was since i moved to Cardiff and had only been there for about 4 months! let this be a lesson to anyone else about contraception, one night stands and the possible consequences.
1 week later i knew something was up because my boobs had a definite sensitivity to then. so went to the doctors about a chesty cough that i just couldn't shake off, and slipped in the possibility i might be pregnant!!!! so i did the test and it was positive. my reaction was to cry , more about the thought i couldn't have the baby, rather than no i don't want it. and also that it was incredibly bad timing in respect to my friends recent abortion, which i shall talk about in another post.

i instantly tried to text the lad to say we needed to talk, but no reply. i found out a week later through facebook he had lost his phone and gave me his new number. by this point i had calmed down and was holding back from telling him, as i was almost sure i was going to keep the baby.

over the next week i tried to keep in contact with him, and invited him to my birthday that weekend. but during the week i freaked out about the situation and ended up calling him to tell him. the poor boy was gutted, and said he couldn't be a dad. i wasn't expecting him to, and he was really quite sweet about the whole thing, reassuring me it was my decision to make. i lied a bit and told him i didn't know what i was going to do, which at this point was kinda true.

over the next few weeks i told him the options i had and the procedure for abortion, but that was enough to make me realise i couldn't go through with an abortion. so i made my decision to keep the baby. from that point communication between up started to dwindle as i think he became more scared. he eventually blocked me from facebook and myspace and didn't reply to messages by phone or email.

because of his age, and the scenario in which this all happened, i didn't feel i wanted to make him commit to the responsibility, at least while he is in uni. give him a couple of years then i shall give him the option to get involved again. but as for now i just inform him by email of developments of his son, and pictures. but still no reply.

it is sad from my boys point of view, although he doesn't know right now, but maybe things will change once the lad grows up. i feel really responsible for the situation, not only because he was younger, but because i had made my decision despite his honest answer that he was not ready or interested in being a dad.

being a single mum tho has settled me down (thankfully) given me purpose and the feeling of unconditional love. my baby is the most amazing thing to happen to me and i wouldn't change a thing because my boy is so perfect. and i have taken on the challenge of being a single mum and i am coping well. and looking on the bright side at least I'm not in a volatile relationship, or stressed about a partner, as i see other family members suffering from. i can just concentrate on my boy, who smiles and giggles all the time :D